TINT (¥Y Booze boos (¥ Are your emoticons being miscommunicated? (¥ Kondos by Kardashians And more! Been told you're too funny? Contact: Sharon Miki, Humour Editor M4 humour@theotherpress.ca www theotherpress.ca ‘At least it works!’ » TransitLink’s Compass card program abandoned for more reliable navigational instruments Sharon Miki Humour Editor WM humour @theotherpress.ca Fovowins years of delays on their much-touted automated fare card program, aptly named the “Compass Card”—in conjunction with numerous instances of total system failure in 2014—Metro Vancouver’s transportation authority, TransitLink, announced Monday that they basically just give up. Their solution? They'll be handing out antique compasses to transit users and encouraging them to navigate themselves by foot to their destinations. “Look, we know that we've sucked lately,” explained TransitLink spokesperson Eva Mendes. “We really did try, and all we get are complaints from you people—so fine! We've old compasses for you; see if you can do better without us.” So far, users of the new compass system are praising its surprising reliability. “My new compass pointed me in the right direction, and I arrived at work when I thought I would, which has literally never happened when I was counting on TransitLink,” said user Elliot Handsome. “And, if they only spent $10-million on the program, that’s like half of what they spent on the never- : used Compass Cards. It sounds : like they’ve finally gotten their : act together after being truly : awful for so long.” Indeed, TransitLink has : had a rough few years. Multiple : unexplained and unplanned : shutdowns of their automated : rapid transit trains in 2014 : have left public opinion of the : authority somewhat damaged, : with frustrated users noting : that surprise, hours-long : shutdowns left them unable to : get home, to work, or to their : cat-appreciation club meetings This communal frustration : is amplified by multi-year : delays in the launch of the : $200-million Compass Card : system, which was supposed to : reduce fare evasion and improve : the ease of use of the transit : system in general. “Yes, we initially said that : we'd have Compass up for 2008, : and then 2010, and then 2012, . = : and then 2013, and then 2014— spent $10-million acquiring cool : but who's counting?” exclaimed : Mendes. “Just like the Compass : Card, you can’t expect us to be : accurate or without error most : of the time.” Not everyone is : disappointed in TransitLink’s : performance as of late, however. “I mean, I never pay for the : train,” said habitual fare evader : Marcus Chasedown. “So it’s : actually been nice to not have : to deal with gates and stuff. : Thanks, TransitLink! Take your : time.” TRANSIT LINK. Angry student complains about the existential hellish period between holidays » ‘When am I supposed to relax?’ = Cazzy Lewchuk Staff Writer Gicone year Douglas College student Jordan Stewwart was recently outraged upon looking at the calendar and realizing there were almost three weeks between the holidays in October. “T can’t believe it. I spend all three days of Thanksgiving getting drunk, eating a lot of sugary and fatty food, and : screwing around with friends. : Then I look at my schedule : and I realize I won't have an : excuse to do that again until : Halloween! That’s a whole : three weeks of class time away! : Howam I supposed to last for : less than a month of normal : academic instruction until : then?” Stewwart’s attempts to coast : : through the non-holiday season : : were only further destroyed : when he remembered his : upcoming midterms were only : four days apart. “I’ve got a Psych : 12200 midterm this Monday, : and then a Canadian Literature : one on Friday,” Stewwart : complained to the Other Press : Inan online interview via : Facebook. Asked if he had anything : to look forward to between : then and Halloween, he said “Well, on Saturday I’m going : toa party. I’m going to eat a lot of pizza and doughnuts and : get really drunk, but it won't : be, you know, spooky like on : Halloween! Do you know I have : to work three shifts this week? : How am I supposed to handle : eight hours of class and 12 hours ! : of retail work in one week? : When do we have time to be : kids?” Incidentally, Stewwart : recently celebrated his 24th : birthday. : Stewwart was equally upset : : looking at the calendar going : forward, after realizing the next : holiday wouldn't occur until a : week and a half into November. : “That’s six full days of school! : I’m going to have to attend class : for at least four of those! Cut : aguya break, huh? How long : until the semester is over?” : Reading the calendar further, his complaining grew to levels : that were only moderately : annoying. “December 4? That’s : a whole month! I don’t even : want to think about how many : weeks that is!” At press time, Stewwart was : spotted in a bar complaining : to anyone willing to listen. His : bitterness at having to worka : reasonable amount is matched : only by students who have : much more to do than him. : Specifically, three midterms, an : essay, four shifts at Starbucks, : and three articles due for the : college newspaper.