Capricorn

(12/22-1/19)

Beware of falling anvils today.
That is all.

Aquarius

(1/20-2/18)

Come out of your shell already! |
don’t even want to know how you
managed to fit all your limbs in
there.

Pisces

(2/19-3/20)

Why is everyone so touchy
towards you today? Well, you
haven't paid your bar tab, taken
out the garbage in weeks, and you
totalled all of your friends’ cars.

Aries

(3/21-4/19)

You can’t begin your day

without eating some Dunkaroos.
Unfortunately, they haven’t been
on the shelves in years. I guess
that explains why you’re huddled
up in a corner crying.

Taurus

(4/20-5/20)

Don’t let people’s comments get
you down. Instead, kidnap your
haters, tie them to a chair and
force them to listen to “Whip My
Hair” for six hours straight.

Gemini

(5/21-6/21)

Feeling tired? Drink Redbull; it
gives you wings! But don’t jump
off any rooftops or I’ll have to
rapidly say the disclaimer.

Cancer

(6/22-7/22)

Don’t stay with a person who
changes their mind so quickly.
It can lead to bad decisions. No,
wait, stay with this person after

all! But this person does bad
things, so leave. No, stay! This
person has a great prank to pull!
Actually, pranks are bad. No,
pranks are good.

Leo

(7/23-8/22)

Somewhere in this world, there is
a person who wants to get closer
to you. This person stares at you
from your bedroom window every
night. He or she has drawn a
pretty detailed map of your place
and knows where all the entrances
and exits are! You better get a
restraining order, fast.

Virgo

(8/23-9/22)

When the going gets tough, the
tough fight back. The cowards just
wet themselves and run.

Libra

(9/23-10/22)

People can read your mind today.
It’s best that you think happy
thoughts for now.

Scorpio

(10/23-11/21)

You have strong opinions on
peanut butter today. In your mind,
chunky peanut butter reigns
supreme! This day will end with a
fight to death with the person who
declared smooth peanut butter
supreme. How much do you
know about combat?

Sagittarius

(11/22-12/21)

Today, you'll wake and realize
that you can control other people’s
actions. Then you'll realize that
you're holding a game controller.

With files from Livia Turnbull

 

Humour.

My Drunk

By Jenn Markham

When I drink, I get really sexy.

I lean over to pull my pants up in
the bathroom,

and weeeeee. My eyes are always
half closed

in the reflection, but I’m thinking,
“Yea, hot damn.”

When I drink, my clothes get really
tight,

so I get tempted to take them off.
I’m vocal about these thoughts,
and the guys agree!

Sometimes nakedness is followed
by swimming,

if the situation arises.

When I drink, I like to show off how
bendy I can be.
Usually I hit the floor head first.

A variation of a “bridge” back bend.

When I drink, I dance.

And I can tell it’s not pretty,

even if someone doesn’t take video,
which sometimes they do. Gross.

When I drink I get flirty.

With most people.

Except you. You’re not very nice,
did you know that?

When I drink I go on adventures.
And take lots of pictures,
most of which I delete in the
morning.
When I drink,
lots
of

times |
get
dr un k.

 

Writer’s block: no longer
just psychological

 

By Allie Davison, Staff Writer

riters around the world
have been checking into
hospitals reporting minor

injuries due to being crushed by
their own writer’s block.

In the serious phenomenon,
writers report just sitting at their
desks or work stations—unable to
write—when suddenly a crushing
feeling comes over them and they
are pushed to the ground. Some
reports have indicated victims are
being physically pushed to the
ground while loved ones look on in
horror.

The “block” always seems to
release its writers before any serious
physical damage is done, and the
writers have all reported a sudden
urge to start writing again—as
though the block only needs to
manifest to be cured.

Roger Regor, author of Mind
Above Matter (a book listing many
psychological phenomena that have

  

manifested), has this to say about
the incidents:

“This is not the first time a
mental condition has developed
like this. We’ve all seen Fight Club. It
happens.”

Thankfully, none of the writers
in question have taken to creating
secret clubs or throwing rocks at each
other (that we know of anyways),
so the only concern is how to
prevent further incidents. Regor
had this advice for writers worried
about being afflicted: “You have
three options here. Firstly, just let
it happen. Sometimes it’s good to
let your psyche push you around.
Secondly, start writing now! Beat
the block to the punch! It'll have no
reason to squish you if there is no
problem. And thirdly, quit writing.
Just give up. You probably won't
make it anyways.”

Thanks for that stellar advice
Regor, I’m sure writers everywhere
are inspired.

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