Capricorn

(12/22-1/19)

School will be worse than ever.

Tim Hortons will be out of the
good donuts and you will have
make do with the custard-filled
ones. There is a high chance that
coffee will spill on your clothes
today. Also, due to the alignment
of Mercury and Mars, the bus will
be five minutes late. But don’t
worry, stress is what makes you get
stronger! Or maybe ulcers. I always
get those two mixed up.

Aquarius

(1/20-2/18)

A cell phone call will be in your
future. Your object of affection
will phone you, so keep your
phone turned on. The bad news?
The planets will align so that it
will ring during a very important
presentation.

Pisces

(2/19-3/20)

Today you will wake up
remembering an old phrase: An
apple a day keeps the doctor away, but
a burger a day will make the doctor
stay. By the way, have you checked
out White’s Spot new all-you-can-
eat burger special?

Aries

(3/21-4/19)

Love is an adventure. You never
know what you might find today,
so go on a blind date! There’s a
good chance that your date might
keep doing his or her Donald Duck
impression over and over again.
The planets have destined for you
to be together. Good luck.

Taurus

(4/20-5/20)

The planets have foretold that you
will be in an epic battle of ideas
today! It’s between you and an
old man debating whether or not
women should stay in the kitchen.
Don’t worry if you don’t have
counter-arguments. After five
minutes, the old man will just go
back to sleep.

Gemini

(5/21-6/21)

Cherish each fleeting moment
today because you’re somehow
sitting on the remote from Click.

More precisely, the fast-forward
button. No, don’t ask how it got
there; a wizard did it. Maybe you'll
finally see a flying car!

Cancer

(6/22-7/22)

Today you'll find yourself stuck
in a training montage from an ‘80s
movie. It will start...now. You’re the
best! Around! Nothing’s gonna ever
keep you down!

Leo

(7/23-8/22)

Watching people may inspire

you; but you may also be labeled

a stalker. So don’t watch people
through their windows. Not even if
you dress up as Edward Cullen.

Virgo

(8/23-9/22)

Overcoming challenges will be
effortless. Maybe now you can
finally nail Jell-O to a tree. But the
only tree is in your neighbour’s
backyard. Your neighbour will be
so impressed with your results that
he'll file a restraining order against
you.

Libra

(9/23-10/22)

You’ve been warned not to keep
your hopes up, and continue to
keep them low today. You will be
dragged to see Breaking Dawn by a
Twihard close to you.

Scorpio

(10/23-11/21)

You’re stronger than you think. So
go ahead, punch out the annoying
drunk that frequents your favourite
bar. The planets command it. Note:
the planets are not responsible

for any injury or death that might
befall you.

Sagittarius

(11/22-12/21)

Missing your flight might be

the worst thing ever, but don’t
succumb to melodrama! Take

this chance as an opportunity to
explore new culture. Just don’t
give anything over to the wallet
inspector, no matter how legitimate
he or she looks.

 

Humour.

Silvio Berlusconi retires to spend
more time with families

 

By Liam Britten, Humour Editor

fter his resignation in
Ase from the world

of Italian politics and
facing down charges of sexual
impropriety, Silvio Berlusconi told
reporters that from now on, his
families will be the most important
things in his life.

Tired of philandering and
public humiliation, Berlusconi has
decided to marry all four of his
current kept women, saying that
he has become a far more devoted
man now that politics are behind
him. He says that the stresses
of public life caused him to find
comfort in the arms of mistresses;
as a private citizen once more, he
can take comfort in the simple joy
of his several bigamous families.

“I feel that I have gained much
perspective indeed from these
unfortunate events in Italy,” he
said, referring to his resignation
after being unable to solve the
economic crisis in Italy. “Politics,
she is a cruel mistress. She can love
you one moment, and then she
throw you out. It is crazy. But my
wife, I know she will always be
there for me. As will the other one,
Francesca; and Maria too, and of
course, my latest one... Um, I can’t

exactly remember her name. You
know who I mean? Eh, it will come
to me.”

“The cheating, it was a
disgrace,” he said. “My family did
not deserve to go through that.
Neither did any of the other ones. I
feel such a shame.”

In addition to his public family,
the one Italians are used to seeing
with the 75-year-old former prime
minister, Berlusconi fathered two
children with then-22-year-old
Genovese prostitute Maria Gervasi
in 1998. As well, he is known to
Italian pornography aficionados
by his performing name “Il Wang
Grande” in such Italian porn films
as Il Pervertito da Padua and Mio
Dio! Che Tette! made in the mid-
‘80s. His on-screen work with
co-stars and now wives Francesca
Fiore and Fiona Lizzani led to three
more children.

“Fiona! That's the name of the
latest one! See, I tell you it would
come,” he told The Other Press.

But now that he has left the
political arena behind, Berlusconi
plans on spending his remaining
years as any other retired citizen
would. He plans to enjoy plenty
of golfing, boating, and evading
paternity suits.

21