Feature.

Welcome to the wonderful world of post-secondary

 

Why everything youve
been told so far is a lie,
and what you actually
need to know

By Jacey Gibb,
Assistant Editor

irst off, I’d like to
Peres all of
you!

By this point, you’re
probably already sick
of being coddled and
lauded as being a recent
addition to the pantheon
of those who’ve made
it past the purgatory of
post-high school and
into the realm of post-
secondary. Apparently
the generations being
churned out by the
education system these
days are going to be
some of the most highly
educated our country has
ever seen—so hang onto
that special, unique-as-

12

a-snowflake praise for as
long as possible.

I thought I’d get the
obligatory pat on the
back out of the way at
the start, because this
coming of age shower
of extolment has an
expiration date attached
to it. After a few weeks of
classes, your mood will
inevitably transition from
eager for achievement
to longing for Christmas
vacation—I’m here to
ensure that you make it
that far.

But before we
continue, do yourself
a favour and mentally
drop all of the “useful”
tips and tricks you’ve
previously eaten up
about surviving your first
year of post-secondary.
Every time I encounter a
writing targeted towards
freshmen, it’s always full
of the exact same points
that are supposedly
“essential” to having a

successful existence in
the world beyond grade
12: get eight hours of
sleep every night, record
all of your lectures so
you can transcribe them
later, spend at least a
bajillion hours a week
on homework. Sure,
there are grains of reality
lurking in these tips, but
to be honest, the lists
themselves were more
than likely constructed
by a concerned mom
who’s sending her baby
away for the first time.

While I’m not exactly
a certified post-secondary
connoisseur, I have made
it to my third year with
relative success. Add to
that my ability to grow
an exuberant amount of
facial hair, and | think
my credentials make me
more than qualified to
dish out advice. So sit
down, shut up, use that
book of college tips as a
coaster or something, and
get ready some grade-A
advice.

First off, the last 18
years (or more, if you
took time off to work /
travel/find yourself)
have been a lie. All those
glossy interpretations of
post-secondary found in
films and television were
mostly constructed by
people who never went
and were simply left to
romanticize the idea of
what higher education
entails. There aren’t any
Luke Wilson-style figures
enrolled here at Douglas,
working through a mid-
life crisis and running
an Animal House-esque
frat house; nor is there a
Van Wilder lurking the
halls, waiting to take you
under his wing and make

you his protégé. Most of
the students that fill the
class rosters here are as
boring as you are and
will graduate / transfer
without leaving behind
any kind of legacy.

The solution to this
buildup of expectations?
Lower ‘em. If you’re not
expecting every week to
be a booze-fuelled panty
raid, then you won’t be
disappointed when it
isn’t.

The next topic
we're going to cover:
sleep deprivation.

Every student survival
guide will tell you how
important it is to get

a minimum of eight
hours of mattress time a
night. I can tell you that
this request is almost
impossible. As much as
I’m an advocate for sleep,
until they add a few extra
hours to the day, you’re
going to have to learn to
live with less.

“But Jacey, I’m a
God damn princess and
need my sleep. How
can I make this abusive
relationship with school
work with my needs?”

I’d recommend
finding periods
throughout the day
where it’s appropriate to
negate everything else
and doze off for a bit.
Do you transit to school?
Bam, that’s an extra 20-40
minutes of shut eye each
day right there. I used
to spend the morning
commute cramming for
the day’s irrelevant case
study that I didn’t do, but
now I treat my SkyTrain
rides like they’re
kindergarten nap time.
Remember that a few
minutes of sleep on the

train can prevent an hour
of sleep in the classroom.

Classroom etiquette
is another huge thing
that gets touched on, but
is never really explored.
Revelation alert: if you
spend the whole class
texting on your phone
or awkwardly perusing
Chatroulette on your
laptop, you’re not
going to learn anything.
More importantly,
that annoying clicking
your fingers make
while dancing across
your phone’s keypad
will make your fellow
classmates want to eat
your face off. Either save
sexting your significant
other for when it’s break
or buy a touch screen
phone and join us in the
year 2012.

Being overtly friendly
is another post-secondary
tip that can sometimes
backfire. Attaching
yourself to the first
classmate you lock eyes
with isn’t always the best
idea. While it’s pretty
difficult to get to know
people when you’re in a
lecture setting, take the
time to scope out likely
acquaintances. Maybe
they wear a band tee
that you could get along
with, or maybe they’re
not on fire; whatever
your standards are for
friendship, don’t lower
them just because you’re
in anew setting. Also, it’s
likely that about half of
the class will disappear
by the time the first
exam rolls around, so
don’t waste your time on
getting to know Johnny-
Flakealot.

So now that I’ve
disregarded a bunch of