Qn New company milks peoples’ stupidity for all it’s worth Gargled milk products make me gag By Jacey Gibb C ‘nd on people! I understand that in the never-ending quest to obtain the pinnacle of ideal human health, you may be tempted to try some radical methods in order to cut a few corners along the way. But pre-gargled milk that claims to be superior to the regular kind? Jesus Christ! White Power Milk is a company that not only sounds racist, but also distributes something equally unsettling. For the low, low price of $125 you can be the proud consumer of half an ounce of milk that has previously been gargled for ten seconds by one of their female employees. And to think that I’ve been paying $4 for a four litre jug at the store like a sucker all this time! If you mosey on over to their website, you'll find a gallery with photographs of the five ‘qualified’ garglers who perform this wonderful service. Of course, you wouldn’t buy gargled milk from just any regular female, so they make sure to provide you with important stats such as her age, where she went to college and her hobbies. You know, all the crucial information that you should know about a girl who has sloshed around your milk in her mouth. It’s no wonder that under their FAQ section they address the unbelievability of 14 their operation. Q: Is this real? Do the girls really gargle the milk that you sell? A: Yes, of course. Apparently the secret to their superior milk is “the process through which rich, beautiful, white girls gargle your milk . to perfection.” In order to qualify for the esteemed position of Milk Gargler, the girls must be “socially elite” and be “deemed physically in superb health.” All of these factors apparently result in purer milk than would otherwise be possible. Just when the whole thing sounds like it can’t be more ridiculous, the profiles also point out that each girl adds a distinctive flavour to the milk they spew out. Georgie’s apparently contains traces of mint but I think I’m more of an Ellie kind of guy, considering the cinnamon undertone found in her milk is simply to die for! I’m going to keep an eye on this craze and see if it takes off or not. If all goes according to plan, by winter I will have launched my own company called “White Power Beer’, in which I will gargle one ounce of beer (twice as much as those other squares are dishing out) for only $50 (less than half of what they’re charging). Perhaps if I add in that the beer has subtle hints of cherry Fisherman Friends to it, I’ll be set for life! Hey, is it anymore ridiculous than what the other guys are doing? Go beer or go home An alcohol lover’s anecdote By Jacey Gibb here is no way to write this article without it seeming like I’m some depressed, hopeless human being who strongly believes that all of life’s answers can be found at the bottom of the nearest beer bottle, so I’m just going to hope you take my word for it that I’m not. Llove beer, yes it’s true. I love beer enough for me and you. I’d love alcohol here or there, I’d love alcohol anywhere! Id drink my way back in time or even to the point of where it makes me rhyme! Darling couplets about booze aside though, I’m getting sick of the attitude usually associated with having this affection towards alcohol. I understand ° that drinking comes down to a personal choice and you can have any number of reasons why you’ ve avoided taking the alcohol plunge, so this isn’t some piece meant to convince you, otherwise, but I wish people on the other end would respect that it’s my choice as well. Increasingly, I’ve found myself being exposed to pretentious Sober Suzies who make back handed comments on how drinking is dumb or how there’s no point. I’m sorry, but without alcohol I’m sure I wouldn’t be able to tell you the story of how my friend vomited all over my boss’ rock garden followed shortly after by me falling through a section of their deck.. I suppose that alcohol fuelled-incident might be something that would’ ve been better off never happening, but it’s still a funny story no? I see the fun in sober fun and I by no means have to get majorly sauced before an event to enjoy myself, but some things are just more fun when inebriated. Like watching the hockey game! Sober Jacey couldn’t name a player title other than the goalie but Drunk Jacey thinks hockey is one of the most exciting things on television. Who’s to say one is more right than the other? I recently applied to be a Big Brother and during the hour long interview process, the woman asked if I drank and how much. Being a college student, of course I love to party and because I’m a bigger guy, it usually takes more to get me going. The woman calculated that I drank about eighty beer a month (roughly ten beer a night, twice a week), which put like that may seem a bit much, but she then expressed concern and pressed me more on the matter. Did I know not to be drunk around my Little Brother? That I shouldn’t drink and drive with him in the vehicle (strangely enough, not that I shouldn’t drink and drive in general)? Do I do most of my drinking alone at home? Have I noticed it becoming a problem? The interview almost became insulting. I know comfort other than the Southern variety and my idea of an Irish coffee doesn’t necessarily require it to have a 17% alcohol content. I make sure to either take public transit home from the bar or have somewhere to crash before hand and I make sure my bills come before my beer money. I do all of these responsible things and yet somehow people still peg me as an alcoholic for ordering a Keiths with my wings. Am I supposed to label you-a diabetic as you’re gargling down your sugar-ridden Coke? Someone told me that in life everything should be taken in moderation, even moderation. Few social situations can be as eternally. bonding as going for a beer with a buddy and I wouldn’t give that up for all the sober better-than-thou cred in the world. I don’t know about you, but I’ll drink to that. Cheers!