Capricorn

(12/22-1/19)

Now would be a good time to
pitch that brilliant new idea to
your boss. You better do it in
the morning, however, because
a house will fly right into your
workplace in the afternoon.

Aquarius

(1/20-2/18)

When you get good vibrations,
be sure to invite others to feel
the vibration. It really is sucha
pleasing sensation, so sayeth the
great philosopher Marky Mark.

Pisces

(2/19-3/20)

You need to open yourself up
to new possibilities. Your house
always needed a makeover and
with the kitchen vaporized due
to some... sun, there’s no time
like the present!

Aries

(3/21-4/19)

The future holds many exciting
things for you! For example, did
you know that you'll soon be
flying to Berlin to stand on trial
for first-degree murder?

Taurus

(4/20-5/20)

You're feeling pretty conservative
today. I suppose one would be,
after seeing that naked chocolate
twister orgy on your front lawn.

Gemini

(5/21-6/21)

Today, your point of view will
be shifted to second person. Did
I mention that you are now in

a Choose Your Own Adventure
book? Let’s hope you make it to
the good ending!

Cancer

(6/22-7/22)

Your financial situation is in need
of immediate attention after last
night’s drunken eBay purchases.
Remember that you can always

roscopes

sell yourself for rent money.
Have a good hangover!

Leo

(7/23-8/22)

You need help being patient.
Why don’t you become a fan

of Dr.Dre? His Detox album is
scheduled to come out a decade
from now. Have fun waiting.

Virgo

(8/23-9/22)

You have way too many Beanie
Babies. Why don’t you just give
then to Goodwill? The chances
of them making a comeback are
slimmer than Ty Inc.’s current
profit margins.

Libra

(9/23-10/22)

Your romantic partner has a list
of complaints about you. First

of all, you never fetch them a
newspaper and matching drink
when they get home. By the way,
at some point you time travelled
to the 1960s.

Scorpio

(10/23-11/21)

Conflicting ideas are causing
stress everywhere you go.
The companies want to build
a shopping mall on top of a
neighbouring duck pond, but
the suburbanites want to save
the duck pond for the suburban
heritage. Which side will you
take?

Sagittarius

(11/22-12/21)

An idea is like a revolutionary
invention. You make that idea
happen and a bunch of other
people will come by to claim that
they thought of it first.

With files from Livia Turnbull

 

 

 

Dear Aunt Agony,

I NEED HELP ON COMPARE AND CONTRAST. NEED TWO
GAMES, COULD BE ANYTHING, SPORTS, BOARD, OR VIDEO.
PLEASE HELP.

Sincerely,
CAPS LOCK KEY BROKEN

Dear CAPS LOCK KEY BROKEN,

Compare and contrast can be difficult if you don’t know anything
about basic English grammar. However, I have a suggestion: why
don’t you compare and contrast Fallout: New Vegas with The Most
Dangerous Game? Thinking about the similarities of those two games
are sure to get your neurons firing away!

Sincerely,
Aunt Agony

 

Dear Aunt Agony,
The Tivilight series had a better ending than Mass Effect 3. Discuss.

Sincerely,
Old Memes are Not Funny

Dear Old Memes are Not Funny,
How am I supposed to respond to this? It’s not even a question.
Furthermore, would people please stop bringing up video games into

every question? I don’t understand these references at all.

Sincerely,
Aunt Agony

 

Dear Aunt Agony,

What should I do with a broken arm? I’m in a lot of pain and I don’t
know what to do. Help!

Sincerely,
Go to a Hospital

Dear Go to a Hospital,

I have an easy solution. Just go to your local morgue and steal a new
arm from a corpse. Problem solved.

Sincerely,
Aunt Agony

With files from Livia Turnbull

 

 

21