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am 18

 

 

An open letter to Judge Redfield T. Baum

Dear Judge Baum,

I am writing this open letter to you in regards to my
application for ownership of the Phoenix Coyotes. I
am keenly interested in buying the team, as you are no
doubt aware, and I believe that my proposal should be
given every bit as much consideration as the proposals
of Jim Balsillie and Gary Bettman. I would like to
reiterate my desire to purchase the Phoenix Coyotes
and move it to Canada—to the thriving city of Port
Coquitlam, British Columbia.

Perhaps with all the paperwork and documents
you’ ve had to pore over these past few weeks, my bid
package for the team simply got lost among the shuffle.
That’s quite alright; allow me to jog your memory. It
was the package written on rolling papers with plenty
of drawings of me as a hockey-playing king. It was also
the one addressed to “Judge Popcorn Guy” (totally my
bad; I confused you with Orville Redenbacher. Your
names are both so similar, you know?). It also contained
several thousand dollars worth of small, unmarked bills,
which must have gotten in there accidentally, if you
catch what I mean, wink, wink.

I’m sure after you read my proposal package
for the future PoCo Coyotes you were impressed
and awestruck. I’m sure you were floored by how
much research and careful planning had been done
for my application and I’m sure you were tempted to
simply give me the team outright. And I’m sure the
incriminating photos I included in the package of you
and your legal secretary just sealed the deal.

But, in case you still have questions beyond “Liam
Britten, are you a god?” I am more than happy to
answer all of them to your fullest satisfaction. Read on,
and I’m sure you will find that I have thought of every
possible snag and obstacle between myself and NHL
team ownership and I’m sure the solutions will be more
than satisfactory.

WHY MOVE THE TEAM TO PORT
COQUITLAM? Simple. Port Coquitlam, British
Columbia, has been ranked as Canada’s 36,078" best
city, slightly worse than Pooptown, Alberta, but just
better than Hamilton. It contains a skating rink in the
city’s bustling downtown core/hobo urination area
that can easily contain all 55 of the Coyotes’ fans.

As well, the city’s well-known drug problems will be
instrumental in attracting our first big signing, Theoren
Fleury, whose own substance problems mean that

he would probably fit in perfectly. Competition with
the Vancouver Canucks for fans will be non-existent;
if history has taught us anything, Canucks fans will
immediately jump off the Vancouver bandwagon and
onto the Coyotes’ as soon as the “Nucks lose their first

game.

HOW WILL YOU PAY THE COYOTES’ MANY
CREDITORS IN PHOENIX? Simple. Arizona
senator John McCain owes me a couple of favours, so
I’m sure he can take care of former owner Jerry Moyes
and anyone else who demands “repayment.” They will
be “repaid” the only way Senator McCain knows how:
he will simply soil his adult diaper and beat anyone
who demands money to death with it. Besides, Senator
McCain’s “advanced” age means he’s getting a little
funny in the head. If I can convince him that those
creditors defeated him for the presidency, he’ll do it
with a smile on his face.

WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO WAYNE GRETZKY?
Gretzky’s tenure as coach of the Coyotes, sadly, will
come to an end. Poor Wayne just isn’t made to coach

a hockey team, and perhaps it’s best for him to move
on. However, that doesn’t mean that we won’t have

a place for him in the organization. We were hoping

to construct a bronze statue of Gretzky hoisting the
Stanley Cup, similar to the one in Edmonton. But do
you realize how much bronze costs?! Holy cow! It
would be far cheaper to pay Wayne $10 an hour to hold
a Stanley Cup all day and tell everyone we have a “wax
sculpture” in our facility.

WHERE WILL YOU GET THE $250 MILLION
TO OUTBID JIM BALLSILLIE? Uhh...

As you can see, my bid for the Phoenix Coyotes...
sorry, the Port Coquitlam Coyotes, is simply the best
for everyone considered. The Coyotes players will play
in a vibrant market, creditors will be repaid, and the
Coyotes’ former home at Jobing.com Arena can finally
be used for something far more useful, like maybe a
storage facility for construction equipment.

I thank you for considering my application, Judge
Baum, and I wish you and your secretary many happy,
quiet years together.

Your friend in high fidelity,
Liam Britten

President and CEO

The Port Coquitlam Coyotes

 

 

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